Post by Alex on Jun 21, 2019 21:47:23 GMT -5
☽ NYX ☾
"Point is, I most certainly did not consent to the 'cut slurping'. Like I said: vic - tim." Emmett pronounced the last word very deliberately, leaning in like he was driving in the point. Yeah, she heard him loud and clear! Her ear twitched and she cracked a small grin.
"Yeah, all you wanted was some beauty sleep. Can't consent like that." Nyx solemnly shook her head. The cut-slurper sounded like a total freak. She felt kinda lucky to have never had to run into chicks like that... well there was one, sort of... anyway, it was good Emmett never introduced them or anything, when Nyx joked about him hooking her up. The sad part was she wasn't even really joking back then, because she was an emotional masochist who kept getting involved in fucked up situations. It was worse back in the summer and autumn, after the fire.
"Don't let it eat you up, Nyx," Emmett told her. "S'not your fault they jumped to conclusions."
He was probably right, she was sure he knew situations like this very well, but still doubt lingered in her mind. Her gaze was lowered, but soon lifted to watch the subtle sway of tree branches in the gentle breeze. Just something to put her eyes on while her thoughts kept her far away. "It just feels like I led them on," she said, "Let them think I cared. Would listen and be there, except not really. Would hold them if that's what they wanted. Made so many excuses when some girl got hurt 'cuz of me."
They were the worst excuses, just saying whatever shit she could to mend the situation but it never worked. It was so obviously bullshit and just made things worse. 'You can't control yourself,' a girl had told her once.
"I'm not guiltless," she said finally, after a moment of silence. Maybe he would understand, maybe he wouldn't. It probably wasn't the same for him as it had been for her. She had been compulsively chasing the confidence she wanted to always feel. Things were a little different these days.
The forest was starting to thin as they ventured further, towards the borders. The smell of the pack was fainter, probably hadn't been touched up lately with how thin their ranks were. Nyx couldn't really bring herself to care much these days. Heavier concerns were weighing on her mind these past months, like all the messy emotions she had to sort through. The yearning, the apprehension when she understood the depth of her feelings, the guilt, the loneliness, the self-loathing, the urge to self-destruct... all of it.
Their conversation brought some of it back to the surface. She spat out bitter words and never parted her gaze from the trees to see the look on his face, afraid of what she'd find. "I... it was a bad joke, kid. I didn't mean it," said Emmett, equally quiet as she was.
"Didn't feel like much of a joke," she muttered mostly to herself.
"Me bein' a lonely old man isn't your fault." But she wasn't helping, wasn't enough to help him feel any less lonely, and all she did was remind him of his loneliness. Her eyes lowered, looking more at her feet than the path forward. Her ears set back. "And you leaving would definitely not make me happier. I'm- I like it best when you and I are... on good terms, y'know? And like, talking and stuff."
She didn't say anything, just listened while watching the ground with narrowed eyes. She hated the way his words got like that — strained, uneven, and nearly colored by desperation. It was all because of her. She did this to him. She breathed shakily, and finally said, "I like that best too." She was different with Emmett around. Less fucked up, but maybe not enough to make a meaningful difference. But she knew the emptiness she felt in the winter and autumn, how fucking alone she was, the ways she hurt herself and everyone around her. She was fucking sick.
These past weeks with Emmett had her feeling better than she had in a long time. It was the undeniable truth. If it weren't for meeting him by those hot springs that day so long ago, who knew if she would've even lasted this long.
"I just..." a moment of hesitation, "Even when I'm with you right now, you're still lonely and I'm just making it worse. I'm always making it worse. If I can't make you happy, what's the fucking point?" She raised her voice towards the end, teeth bared though her eyes still stayed glued to the ground. There was another pause and her voice softened again, "I guess I'm just not good enough."
"Yeah, all you wanted was some beauty sleep. Can't consent like that." Nyx solemnly shook her head. The cut-slurper sounded like a total freak. She felt kinda lucky to have never had to run into chicks like that... well there was one, sort of... anyway, it was good Emmett never introduced them or anything, when Nyx joked about him hooking her up. The sad part was she wasn't even really joking back then, because she was an emotional masochist who kept getting involved in fucked up situations. It was worse back in the summer and autumn, after the fire.
"Don't let it eat you up, Nyx," Emmett told her. "S'not your fault they jumped to conclusions."
He was probably right, she was sure he knew situations like this very well, but still doubt lingered in her mind. Her gaze was lowered, but soon lifted to watch the subtle sway of tree branches in the gentle breeze. Just something to put her eyes on while her thoughts kept her far away. "It just feels like I led them on," she said, "Let them think I cared. Would listen and be there, except not really. Would hold them if that's what they wanted. Made so many excuses when some girl got hurt 'cuz of me."
They were the worst excuses, just saying whatever shit she could to mend the situation but it never worked. It was so obviously bullshit and just made things worse. 'You can't control yourself,' a girl had told her once.
"I'm not guiltless," she said finally, after a moment of silence. Maybe he would understand, maybe he wouldn't. It probably wasn't the same for him as it had been for her. She had been compulsively chasing the confidence she wanted to always feel. Things were a little different these days.
The forest was starting to thin as they ventured further, towards the borders. The smell of the pack was fainter, probably hadn't been touched up lately with how thin their ranks were. Nyx couldn't really bring herself to care much these days. Heavier concerns were weighing on her mind these past months, like all the messy emotions she had to sort through. The yearning, the apprehension when she understood the depth of her feelings, the guilt, the loneliness, the self-loathing, the urge to self-destruct... all of it.
Their conversation brought some of it back to the surface. She spat out bitter words and never parted her gaze from the trees to see the look on his face, afraid of what she'd find. "I... it was a bad joke, kid. I didn't mean it," said Emmett, equally quiet as she was.
"Didn't feel like much of a joke," she muttered mostly to herself.
"Me bein' a lonely old man isn't your fault." But she wasn't helping, wasn't enough to help him feel any less lonely, and all she did was remind him of his loneliness. Her eyes lowered, looking more at her feet than the path forward. Her ears set back. "And you leaving would definitely not make me happier. I'm- I like it best when you and I are... on good terms, y'know? And like, talking and stuff."
She didn't say anything, just listened while watching the ground with narrowed eyes. She hated the way his words got like that — strained, uneven, and nearly colored by desperation. It was all because of her. She did this to him. She breathed shakily, and finally said, "I like that best too." She was different with Emmett around. Less fucked up, but maybe not enough to make a meaningful difference. But she knew the emptiness she felt in the winter and autumn, how fucking alone she was, the ways she hurt herself and everyone around her. She was fucking sick.
These past weeks with Emmett had her feeling better than she had in a long time. It was the undeniable truth. If it weren't for meeting him by those hot springs that day so long ago, who knew if she would've even lasted this long.
"I just..." a moment of hesitation, "Even when I'm with you right now, you're still lonely and I'm just making it worse. I'm always making it worse. If I can't make you happy, what's the fucking point?" She raised her voice towards the end, teeth bared though her eyes still stayed glued to the ground. There was another pause and her voice softened again, "I guess I'm just not good enough."
xxx