Post by Alex on Feb 15, 2019 5:02:46 GMT -5
Lost in the abyss, drowned in the deep
No set of lungs could salvage me
Save yourself, save your breath
The tide's too strong, you'll catch your death
"You never did grow into those paws. If your father was anything like mine, he probably punished you for doing that," Ragnar said with a crooked, amused smile that soon faded. Whatever he was imagining must've been a real riot. Not that Nyx could blame him... chewing on your dad's paws was kinda dumb.
"He did," she said with her own small smile. She huffed both from nostalgia and just the silliness of it looking back. "He used to kick me in the face when I bit him. And I'd just bite harder." She'd always been stubborn as hell, since the moment she took her first breath she felt. Knowing what she did, she wondered if she was probably meant to die like the rest of her littermates. Or maybe never be born at all. Troy always seemed to think so at least. Maybe she was just too stubborn to die and that was how she managed to make it this far.
"One time he said I was taking too much after my mom." Nyx laughed, though it was quick to die down and was laced with a certain bitterness. As a cub, she was always so proud to hear it, wanting to be like her mother more than anything else. These days, there wasn't anything she wanted less. Maybe in some ways... but others? She'd sooner drain out half her blood and purge herself of every last trace of Nemesis, but then she'd still see her face each time she saw her reflection. Another reason to avoid water.
Ragnar was quiet as he listened to what Nyx had to say and she could only imagine what he was thinking at that moment. Probably how pathetic she was, how weak she was for feeling this way. Her brother always told her how she cared too much and she should stop because it would kill her someday. If only it were that simple. But it wasn't. She couldn't just stop. Even when she got away, that darkness still plagued her and swallowed her whole. Every glimmer of light was so fleeting and it seemed like the only way out was to sink deeper.
He said something towards her comment about Paxter, smirking darkly. "He would probably taste as such also."
Nyx wore her own smirk, twisted and partially revealing her teeth. Her dull purple tongue ran across the edges of her fangs and she was filled with a sense of excitement as she recalled the taste of Paxter's blood. "It's too bad you couldn't get a taste for yourself," she said, her voice dropping into a lower register. A greater shame was how they couldn't simply kill him. Him and his brat. It would do their pack well to release dead weight like that. But that wasn't the Guardians' way. They let any wolf stick around here, useless or not.
The atmosphere grew serious once again when Nyx asked him what truly mattered. Ragnar didn't even pause before giving his answer, not even having to think about his words. It was the most Nyx had ever heard him say at once. She looked at him directly, ears tilted forward as she took it all in.
"All of these details that wolves focus on. Being too blunt, too rude, too honest, too tall, too small, too skinny, too scary, too spiky, too bulky, too impure, too bloodthirsty, all of these things, are superficial. They don't matter. What does matter, is who you are when it really counts." Funny. All those words were something she'd heard at some point or another, except for bulky. It was all superficial and meaningless to him. Her eyes narrowed momentarily. It was easy for him to say when he was warmly welcomed despite all these things and treated with respect anyway. It didn't affect him the same way as it did her.
Beaten and abused for every little thing that was wrong with her. First being too small and thin. Then for being too ugly. Then for being too stupid. Then for being too sensitive. Then for being too big. Then for being gay. Then for being too weak. Then for being alive despite all of those things. And it didn't stop there. Now she's too rude, too blunt, too bitchy, too impulsive, too unpredictable, too vicious. And that's all anybody cared about. All the things that were wrong with her, never the things that really mattered. Despite everything she'd done, she was still unworthy.
She dropped her gaze, settling it back onto her paws. Ragnar pulled a few examples of the things she'd done, the things that mattered and showed her true character. Not running away and still fighting despite being outmatched. Training the cubs and helping them prepare for the real world. Maybe he respected her for it but... she remained unsure. The things he said were in line with what she'd always been taught made a real wolf. Courageous, unrelenting, dedicated, firm. And maybe she was those things but at the same time was poisoned by all this weakness inside of her and was nothing but a waste of space.
"...That, is what matters. All the other details and judgments are just fog in the wind."
Nyx had been staring down at her paws, staring at the messy hardened scabs. Dried blood still tainted her black fur. She felt nothing at the sight of her wounds and just listened and processed it all as it came. "So everybody, the whole fucking world, is wrong then?" she started slowly, eyes narrowing again as she thought about it. "Maybe it is superficial. But all that shit, the shit you say really matters... it doesn't fucking matter to anybody else. All they care about is superficial shit and that's what dictates just how good you are to them." She pulled her eyes away from her paws and met Ragnar's stare. They were surface details and maybe they weren't as important as everyone acted, and maybe in the long run it meant nothing, but right now, in this moment, it wasn't nothing.
There was a brief pause.
"I didn't fight for my pack, you know. I was just bored and had nothing better to do. Maybe hoped I'd finally get my ass killed," said Nyx. "And the cubs... it was never about them or their survival. I couldn't give less of a shit. All that was just because I was bored too. What does that make me, then?" Maybe another part of sticking around for the training was just for the opportunity to hang out with Ragnar some more, share something with him besides being violent and bloodthirsty motherfuckers. She saw how he was with the others sometimes and wondered if that was enough. She didn't exactly have anything special to offer him either.
"He did," she said with her own small smile. She huffed both from nostalgia and just the silliness of it looking back. "He used to kick me in the face when I bit him. And I'd just bite harder." She'd always been stubborn as hell, since the moment she took her first breath she felt. Knowing what she did, she wondered if she was probably meant to die like the rest of her littermates. Or maybe never be born at all. Troy always seemed to think so at least. Maybe she was just too stubborn to die and that was how she managed to make it this far.
"One time he said I was taking too much after my mom." Nyx laughed, though it was quick to die down and was laced with a certain bitterness. As a cub, she was always so proud to hear it, wanting to be like her mother more than anything else. These days, there wasn't anything she wanted less. Maybe in some ways... but others? She'd sooner drain out half her blood and purge herself of every last trace of Nemesis, but then she'd still see her face each time she saw her reflection. Another reason to avoid water.
Ragnar was quiet as he listened to what Nyx had to say and she could only imagine what he was thinking at that moment. Probably how pathetic she was, how weak she was for feeling this way. Her brother always told her how she cared too much and she should stop because it would kill her someday. If only it were that simple. But it wasn't. She couldn't just stop. Even when she got away, that darkness still plagued her and swallowed her whole. Every glimmer of light was so fleeting and it seemed like the only way out was to sink deeper.
He said something towards her comment about Paxter, smirking darkly. "He would probably taste as such also."
Nyx wore her own smirk, twisted and partially revealing her teeth. Her dull purple tongue ran across the edges of her fangs and she was filled with a sense of excitement as she recalled the taste of Paxter's blood. "It's too bad you couldn't get a taste for yourself," she said, her voice dropping into a lower register. A greater shame was how they couldn't simply kill him. Him and his brat. It would do their pack well to release dead weight like that. But that wasn't the Guardians' way. They let any wolf stick around here, useless or not.
The atmosphere grew serious once again when Nyx asked him what truly mattered. Ragnar didn't even pause before giving his answer, not even having to think about his words. It was the most Nyx had ever heard him say at once. She looked at him directly, ears tilted forward as she took it all in.
"All of these details that wolves focus on. Being too blunt, too rude, too honest, too tall, too small, too skinny, too scary, too spiky, too bulky, too impure, too bloodthirsty, all of these things, are superficial. They don't matter. What does matter, is who you are when it really counts." Funny. All those words were something she'd heard at some point or another, except for bulky. It was all superficial and meaningless to him. Her eyes narrowed momentarily. It was easy for him to say when he was warmly welcomed despite all these things and treated with respect anyway. It didn't affect him the same way as it did her.
Beaten and abused for every little thing that was wrong with her. First being too small and thin. Then for being too ugly. Then for being too stupid. Then for being too sensitive. Then for being too big. Then for being gay. Then for being too weak. Then for being alive despite all of those things. And it didn't stop there. Now she's too rude, too blunt, too bitchy, too impulsive, too unpredictable, too vicious. And that's all anybody cared about. All the things that were wrong with her, never the things that really mattered. Despite everything she'd done, she was still unworthy.
She dropped her gaze, settling it back onto her paws. Ragnar pulled a few examples of the things she'd done, the things that mattered and showed her true character. Not running away and still fighting despite being outmatched. Training the cubs and helping them prepare for the real world. Maybe he respected her for it but... she remained unsure. The things he said were in line with what she'd always been taught made a real wolf. Courageous, unrelenting, dedicated, firm. And maybe she was those things but at the same time was poisoned by all this weakness inside of her and was nothing but a waste of space.
"...That, is what matters. All the other details and judgments are just fog in the wind."
Nyx had been staring down at her paws, staring at the messy hardened scabs. Dried blood still tainted her black fur. She felt nothing at the sight of her wounds and just listened and processed it all as it came. "So everybody, the whole fucking world, is wrong then?" she started slowly, eyes narrowing again as she thought about it. "Maybe it is superficial. But all that shit, the shit you say really matters... it doesn't fucking matter to anybody else. All they care about is superficial shit and that's what dictates just how good you are to them." She pulled her eyes away from her paws and met Ragnar's stare. They were surface details and maybe they weren't as important as everyone acted, and maybe in the long run it meant nothing, but right now, in this moment, it wasn't nothing.
There was a brief pause.
"I didn't fight for my pack, you know. I was just bored and had nothing better to do. Maybe hoped I'd finally get my ass killed," said Nyx. "And the cubs... it was never about them or their survival. I couldn't give less of a shit. All that was just because I was bored too. What does that make me, then?" Maybe another part of sticking around for the training was just for the opportunity to hang out with Ragnar some more, share something with him besides being violent and bloodthirsty motherfuckers. She saw how he was with the others sometimes and wondered if that was enough. She didn't exactly have anything special to offer him either.
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