Post by Alex on Aug 8, 2019 17:14:14 GMT -5
☽ NYX ☾
[cw self harm and suicidal themes]
This must be what it feels like to be dead.
She felt nothing except for the cold mud beneath her and the stinging of her burnt pads. Her thin ragged figure lay limp on her side in the shadow of a tree’s charred remains. Her fur was damp and dirty with mud and ash, stuck together in clumps. The sight and smell of the ruined woods was hauntingly familiar — she was here before, after the fire killed him a year ago. It was like a scene out of a nightmare, or maybe she really was dead and this was hell.
She didn’t notice the way she dragged a forelimb to her mouth until she felt her teeth severing her own skin, reopening her loathsome old wounds. It was only when she felt the pain and tasted her own blood and heard herself sharply inhale that she knew she was still regrettably alive. She was still alive. She let out a shaky breath as her eyes dampened. Why was she alive?
Where was Emmett? He was just right there beside her, in the midst of a dry storm enjoying the hot wind raking through their summer coats. She remembered the electrifying tingle in her toes. She remembered the static in her fur. She remembered seeing lightning strike that first tree. It had burst into flames and she remembered the way she trembled and couldn’t breathe, yet she ran towards it, like a goddamn idiot. The flames were beautiful and terrifying, a wild destructive force only fed by the fierce winds. They grew greater by the second, devastating everything in their path.
Her paws burned on the embers she tread but the pain was what made her remember this was real, while the smoke she breathed made it feel like it was not. She ended up losing him in the chaos. She remembered a blazing tree collapsing, creating an insurmountable wall of flame that lightly singed her fur and nearly engulfed her in it, and that was the last glimpse she had of him.
The world was cold and damp now. The rain came and put out the raging fires that put her in this state and she collapsed into a heap in the mud, looking and feeling like a corpse.
She still tasted her own blood. It stained her lips. It flowed from the fresh gashes she bestowed herself. Her eyes settled on her bleeding cuts, the crimson reflecting the moonlight. It’d been so long since she’d done this to herself, but it was the least she deserved for her foolishness, for letting this happen, for losing him again... she deserved worse than this.
She wished she wouldn't have stepped out of that burning tree's path at the last second. She wished she would have really jumped off that cliff all those years ago. She wished she would have drowned when Troy held her under. She wished her father wouldn't have stopped her mother from killing her the day she was born. Maybe she wished she wouldn't have been born at all.
He was dead again, while she was still alive and wishing she wasn’t. She was so fucking pathetic, all she did was fuck everything up and hurt everyone who had the misfortune of crossing paths with her.
A shaky sob escaped her as tears began to roll down her cheeks.
Emmett had been nothing but good to her. He put up with all her worst bullshit and still stuck by her. He cared so much more than he should have. He told her he loved her, and was the very first to ever say that to her and mean it. And what did she do for him in return? She fucked up his face and his life, she killed him over and over, she would make him feel guilty and blame him for so many things, she would want to make him hurt the same way she does.
Emmett thought he was a monster, but it was Nyx who was the real monster. She was so disgustingly selfish. She never once told him she cared about him too, because she was a gutless, fucked up coward that couldn't just get over herself. He deserved so much better than someone like her, and now he’s gone, likely rotting somewhere in the wreckage thanks to her.
She would make it right. She would lie here and wait to die too. Her only regret was that it hadn't happened sooner.
TAGS — Reuben
NOTES — x
NOTES — x